I rather be blind than be in mental agony.

I hate seeing people achieving or succeeding in things that they do. Even if they are my friends, because it just reminds me of how much of a failure I am at only the age of 17. It sucks when you see people being rewarded for their success, being rewarded both literally & emotionally. Maybe I'm a horrible friend for feeling this way when I see any of my friends succeed. No, I'm a horrible friend because I say this out loud. I'm sure everyone feels this way. Sure, you'll be proud & happy for them for like a second, after that it's pure envy. The circle of friends I have are all moving on with their lives, smiling at their achievements, & here I am...repeating a grade. I've always considered myself at least right outside the circle of intelligence, now I'm so far away the only thing I see is the knowledgeability of a turd. I keep trying to fit this into my brain that everything happens for a reason. What possible, logical reason could there be to rid of my knowledge? And my pride. The statistic of my obvious depression will lead to a probable suicide, I'm telling you now.